I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
