Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize