god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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