I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He passed out mid-signature
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
