Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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