my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
