How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize