The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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