did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
