Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
