i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
