Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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