matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
