My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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