Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
