My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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