I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
