Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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