Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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