Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
