Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
