Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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