I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
