Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
