i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
