wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Randomize
