It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
