i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
