It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
