Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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