His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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