Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
