look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
