Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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