I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Randomize
