C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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