i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
