Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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