She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
It's never too late to be topless.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize