we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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