I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
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