I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
