This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
