i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
