Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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