Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
