ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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