Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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