Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We were destined to go to rehab together
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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