just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
