My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
