Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize
