yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
