I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
