You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
