a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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