i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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