I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
