I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Randomize
